~PeaNut BraIn's SaNcTuaRy~

puzzled

2009-03-22T21:35:00.003+08:00

I've been always thinking what's wrong with me. Every time I fall for someone, things just get screwed up. Is this what I deserve? I just hate myself. I've done everything I can to make my life better. Ended up, I didn't manage to change anything AT ALL. This is my fucking life. I don't like the people around me. So do the people around me, they don't like me. I'm tired of living a life like this. How I wish that someone could just pick me out from this world and put me elsewhere. I don't know what to do and where to go. I'm nobody. Even if I distinguish from this place, no one would ever notice. Pathetic but this is me.

utar-rians

2009-03-17T01:23:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i'm wondering whether did i made the right choice coming to utar. Not that i don't like this place, but the people around me. They just pissed me off. What sort of thinking they are still having? This is the modern age. Do you expect people to wear clothes like the do in the olden days? Cover every inch of your body that you can cover and that's beauty? That's conservative. I don't know the people came out from the jungle or what. Thinks like a caveman and act like one. Hey, i just can't stand it. Stop pissing me off and get out of my way.

random

2009-02-25T01:18:00.002+08:00

If you ask me, how's life in kampar? I would definately say it's boring shyte. I also don't understand why i've chosen here. Recalling back, i think the reason is someone said it's nearer to ipoh and you can come and find me. Excuse me, how often is it so? I would say that i've made the wrong choice coming here. Why am i so damn moody everyday? I think i'm just lying to myself that you still love me the same. I can't stand that myself is keep telling me this but the fact is that you're leaving me. You're walking out from my life bit by bit. You're just afraid that i can't accept this "devastating" fact that you don't want me anymore. I understand that there's nothing last forever. Love is just something i hunger for since i'm small. I always wanted to have love, but it seems impossible. You will never understand what i've been through. Everytime i own something, it'll soon be someone else's. This is life this is me.

SPM is over

2008-12-02T00:26:00.002+08:00

okays. SPM is over. Everyone knows that right? At least it's over for me. If you ask me how was it, I can say it's nt as easy as I thought it will be and it's not as hard as everyone thought it'll be. Finishing spm means a new path of life. What i wanna be in the future? oh.. seems like it's so so so blur. I actually don't know. Even if i know there's still lots to think about. Sometimes i've been thinking, why i didn't come from a wealthier family. Ah well, it's not something that i can choose right? I can't choose wehre i came from bt i got the power to change where i'm going to be in the future. hmmm.. my big plan for my long holiday. Well, firstly, i'm going to work. Which i've started. Secondly i would wanna save some money for vacation. What's holiday without going for a trip elsewhere then ipoh? Thirdly, i've got no idea yet.. So.. first and second.. that's what i'm going to do for my long long holiday.. ^_^

random post

2008-10-23T22:25:00.002+08:00

once in a while.. I'll feel lost inside.. I felt like everything just come and go.. There's nothing that can last forever.. Actions are like unspoken words.. There's always a clue to everything that may be happening.. At least i think i can understand those clues.. or maybe i misinterpret them.. I'm not sure of it.. Every time i think that that particular relationship is worth it to put my feelings into them, it'll get screwed up.. Be it friendship or anything else.. I didn't expect anything in return.. But just that I'm tired of being the only one giving in.. Giving in all that i can.. but what i get is jsut a cold shoulder.. or maybe worse.. a stab on the back.. Is this what i deserve?

TKD Tournament

2008-07-31T21:49:00.005+08:00

On the 26th of July I went for my first tkd tournament at Selama, Taiping. Wow! it was an EYE-OPENING experience for me. Exclude the first time for being at such tournaments, it made me realise that Ave Maria is such a beutiful school. Look at the condition of that school which the tournament was held, fui yoh.. ave maria is like 100x better. Besides a better view in Ave Maria, the hygiene of the place is another issue. There's like tonnes of flies lingering around that place and they particularly like to stand on those dumplings head. My god. Wonder did the flies drop some of their precious next generation on the "heads".

In addition, I think the tournament is quite unfair. The way the judges help the same races with them. When they see different races competing together, they don't even look at how they spar or what. By the end of the round, they'll just raise their flags up without considering how good or bad the the person is. Luckily, my category is almost all chinese, so there's not so much unfairness in the judging. This is the first time I saw all my friends showing their violent-ness. Everyone was like doing their best to hit their opponent for the free-sparring event. One of my friend even went berserk and kicked her opponent's "private part". "piak" and followed by a thud. My god. Poor thing. But she deserves it cause she's the one starting the kicking "there".

I also saw the kids free-sparring. Those primary or they are just kindergarten. So small size. So cute. Wearing the bulky gears and hitting here and there. I enjoy looking at them.

It's an experience that I'll never forget for my life because I think it's a great opportunity to go to these type of tournaments with my friends. By next year, we might not be able to have this kind of gathering together and going tournaments together. Oh ya. The results. Me and Bao got bronze medal for the free-sparring event. Didn't thought that I can get a medal. If you know me you'll know why. I'm very gentle. ^_^ LOLX.

Because of this tournament, I met one of my very very old friend which I knew since primary 1. We lost contact like 2 years ago. It was quite shocking that I saw her there cause she actually walk over and asked me whether I remember her. I didn't really recognize her at the first place cause she really changed a lot, in appearance I mean. She lose a lot of weight. We exchanged phone number and even planned a meet up with our primary friends. It's great to hang out with her again. It reminds me of my 6 years of primary life which she always play a role in it. Before school, after school, those times which we laughed and grew up together.

Fat hao-ing after finishing my lunch..

The retard look on my face. haha. Friends 4 eva.

memorable moment

2008-07-22T20:51:00.004+08:00

it have been quite some time since i updated my blog.. well, i've been for a trip to KL.. Wow.. It was extremely happy without parents around for a trip.. hohoho.. going to bed late and waking up early.. that's what i did for the 2 nights in kl.. For the 1st day i reached kl by 8 plus, by the time i reach the place i was suppose to spend this 3 days 2 night, it was already about 10.. Went for dinner and then went home and have some fun by talking and crapping with donkey zhai.. LOLX.. The 2nd day we went to Berjaya Time Square, took a few photo there.. Spent almost the whole day there.. but we didn't manage to shop the whole building.. haha.. Went to play pool with donkey zhai at night.. This is the first time i'm playing pool, i had a great time cause i believe i'm so lucky that i simply poke and the ball just manage to go into the hole.. hohoho.. Tried mamak food in KL.. was a new experience for me.. cause the blended orange juice is so nice!!! and the roti pisang!!! *drooling*For the last day, we went to to bus station and that ends my kl trip the moment i stepped on the bus back to ipoh.. When will be the next time i can visit kl? awww.. donkey zhai~~ bring me bring me!!! Eager to go.. LOLX.. Looking forward to the next trip to kl.. ^_^

a picture speaks a thousand words.. LOLX.. it shows how happy i am while i am in kl.. XD

If

2008-07-06T21:26:00.003+08:00

If today is the last day of my life.
I cannot say that i lived my life without regrets.
I think i spent a lot of time wasting off my life.
If you ask me,
what changes had you made to your environment?
to your school?
to the people around you?
My answer is,
none.
This is me.
Maybe I am not someone that important to the people around me.
But I would like to be somebody in other people's life.
May I?

I can cook part 2

2008-06-08T13:48:00.005+08:00

I can cook.. ^_^ Seriously.. I CAN!!! Eventhough it doesn't looks anything like the professional made sushi from sushi king.. but.. it looks like sushi right? I made them.. hohohoho.. so these are the ingredients used..

And the end product~~~~ready or not.. here it comes.. XD

Nice right? For a nubbie chef like me.. I think it looks nice.. hahaha.. tasty.. Well.. all of the sushi shown above is now rolling in my stomach~ Aww.. satisfaction fills me.. *rubbing my own stomach*

>>06/06/2008<<

2008-06-07T19:38:00.013+08:00

I've been waiting and waiting for this day to come for the passed whole week.. Well.. guess what.. IT'S FINALLY HERE.. hmmm.. what so special about this day? Only donkey and the pig know well about this day.. hohohohoho.. So happy la~~~ Went dinner with donkey, kemkem and chu yinn.. Took a few shots on the drinks we're drinking.. Notice the 2 cups which is green.. That belongs to me and chu yinn.. Our sense of "colour" is the same.. hahahaha..

ai sheh.. After dinner we even when taking photos at a corner.. which somehow i think is specially set up for kids.. eventhough it's not written, BUT.. i can see a lot of under-five kids having their photo shot with the poster (as shown as below).. How adorable are they.. innocent looking huh.. pooh is kinda plump.. hahahaha..

Here are our shots with the adorable-looking pooh zhai, tigger zhai and eeyore zhai:

Chu yinn and me.. ai sheh.. what's behind those smiles.. paiseh-ness.. actually.. a lot of people is staring at us.. I think we're the oldest there to get our picture taken with pooh bear and friends? Chieh.. who cares (ah pek.. stop staring!).. =P tigger so cute.. must snap must snap..

here goes pooi mun and kem kem.. donkey.. i can see that you only want the tigger.. hahahaha.. Smiling so happily.. ^_^

Actually our main motive of going to JJ, is not for the dinner.. not the photo taking.. IT IS WATCHING KUNG FU PANDA.. I went and bought the tickets a day earlier.. hohoho.. wer're sitting at a nice and comfy seat.. but i felt hot for the first time during movie at cinemas.. Is it my hormones problem or what? hahaha.. anyway, It's a great movie.. Tigress's voice so sexy.. oh my oh my.. hahahaha.. Po is so so so so so cute.. can i have a panda as a pet? I like his tummy.. After watching the movie.. I realise that even being fat is an advantage for kung fu fighting.. So bouncy.. *boing boing*.. Look at Po.. he can even do side kick.. fui yoh.. look at the ferocious expression on his face..

In a nutshell (sounds like essay huh).. This is a very special day for me.. and most of all.. i'm so so so happy on this very special day!!!! ^_^

I CAN COOK

2008-06-01T19:39:00.001+08:00

Kind of being too free today.. feel like posting the stuffs that i COOKED.. hohohoho.. My proof that i can cook! ^_^ hohohoho..

~spicy mushroom sauce spaghetti plus ham~

~Cheesy pasta with black pepper~

Angklung angklung angklung~

2008-06-01T19:20:00.000+08:00

This was taken during the last day of school for this term after the teacher's day performance. We worked hard for it!!!! hohohoho.. Rasa sayang eh~ rasa sayang sayang eh~~ LOLX.. Good job to everyone of us.. hohohoh.. of course.. including me..

memories of Inteyo

2008-06-01T12:41:00.000+08:00

Every now and then, I use to think about the happy moments spent around with the people from Inteyo. It's interesting to know different people with different background. It was once a place where I find my own identity- as someone. But then, things just changed. I didn't know when, but it did. Like bumping in another Inteyo friend in a shopping mall, it's just like ordinary first-met-up friends. It's just so different from what i saw/feel during camp or at FHA. I'm wondering, is everybody showing off their fake selfs instead of being themselves. The ones i saw at shopping malls or just who they are. I'm puzzled. It's like meeting up a stranger and start all over again by those self-introducing and exploring who they are from zero. I'm still seeking for what i wanted to most from them. The first impression i got from them, and now, it's so different. Maybe this Tuesday, i might get to find what i wanted. *pondering*

a letter of love?

2008-05-26T14:35:00.000+08:00

this is the feeling of heartache? i don't know.. bt the feeling is so strong that tears uncontrollably rolling out.. I never had this kind of feelings before.. Is this good? or it's bad.. This had proven how much i'm falling for you.. I love you.. and it's not changing.. no matter what's the starting point of our relationship.. but to me i think what important is now and the future.. what's back then is not important.. I understand what you say.. i know you're hurt inside because of the starting point of our relationship is just so unfair to you.. But what matters now is i love you.. and that's because of you.. your attitude, your way of walking, the way you talk, the way you treat ppl and most important how you treat me. All of this.. is the reason i love you.. With no regrets..

p.s. you're mine.. ^_^

sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet?

2008-05-18T20:22:00.000+08:00

a post that i wrote some time ago...

Memorable Saturday
Went out together and spent time together..
After tkd,
You gave me your shoe,
And you barefooted,
Just because you don’t want me to hurt my leg.
That instant,
I can feel the warmth of being love..
That feeling is so true that it really stays in my mind.
When I see you stepping on the stones,
My heart really aches.
I guess this is the feeling of being in love.
The feeling that I’ve always been running away from.
It have been long since I had this feeling of being loved.
It’s so wonderful yet sometimes scary.
I think I need to learn how to face my own feelings.
I got one conclusion to be made for today,
That is,
I love you and I can see the love from you to me.

By amy,

27-04-08 Saturday

current mental status

2008-05-15T23:22:00.000+08:00

reading back my old blog, it reminds me of who i was.. or who i am? i'm not sure.. should i use some brain power to think of who should i be and how i want to lead my life.. i think this determine how happy i am being someone living and still kicking.. i think i should be back myself.. and not being someone other ppl expect me to be.. that's the old me.. a much happier soul.. that's what i wanted all this while right? *still thinking* ah well.. i think i got my decision set in my mind.. that's the point i'm starting my journey.. woo hoo.. *walking towards my target of life*

exam is coming to an end

2008-05-15T22:55:00.001+08:00

woots.. exams are coming to an end.. after being so stressed up for like 2 weeks?! finally.. it's going to end.. so happy.. lou gong's back this week.. additional boast.. fui yoh.. i realise lately my topic of conversation with friends never gone out from science.. even a simple act we also can relate to scientific stuffs.. so pro.. shyte.. those stuffs just can't get off my brain.. my peanut brain is just too small to stuff all this scientific things in.. gosh.. it's saturated.. will our brain get TOO saturated? *wondering* no idea.. hahahhaa.. tomorrow going gai gai with lou gong.. my bread munching banana monster mutated pig.. ^_^.. how i wish time could just skip today.. and reach tomorrow.. HOW GOOD WILL THAT BE? that's GREAT!!!!!!

2008-03-25T15:20:00.000+08:00

no matter what i do, it seems like i'm wrong. WRONG. Maybe being miserable is part of my life. Who cares. As if there're people who cares. But the fact is, there's none. Walking alone and doing everything alone. This is me. You know what, i realise there's still part of her in you. If not, you won't be having such a big reaction. I've lose trust, the trust in myself of being someone in my fucking world.

2008-02-13T21:18:00.000+08:00

中间

主唱:梁静茹
曲 composer:潘协庆
词 lyricist:廖莹如

多远能够走完这世界
感觉放到极限
某天无声的雨正下在某处
我被淋湿了
湿透我想才能更勇敢
等着雨过天晴
忽然想要看彩虹
可以拥抱我
我飞越一阵痛楚的转变
懂的想的就那些
原来那就叫作生命的中间
飞越一滴苦涩的眼泪
雨点下的好直接
发现彩虹在天边
渺小的我跑在最前面
那一边是明天
看见那看不见的时间
当我有了从前
往前发出声音告诉这世界
我想要什么
听见我已经开始冒险
泪水流下安慰
哭过的脸最坚决
放晴的瞬间
我飞越一阵痛楚的转变
懂的想的就那些
原来那就叫作生命的中间
飞越一滴苦涩的眼泪
雨点下的好直接
发现彩虹在天边
渺小的我跑在最前面
那一边是明天
我飞越一阵痛楚的转变
懂的想的就那些
原来那就叫作生命的中间
飞越一滴苦涩的眼泪
雨点下的好直接
发现彩虹在天边
渺小的我跑在最前面
那一边是明天
不远来到一切的中间
转变
会变灰色阴天到晴天
那天
了解像勇气的无意间
出现
生命有许多中间

Diary 13-02-08

2008-02-13T21:12:00.000+08:00

Today i was absent for school without any reason..
Even for myself..
I can't find any reasons for myself..
slept till 3pm only i woke up..
Mom woke me up and scolded me..
ah well..
maybe i'm wrong for sleeping for so many hours?
hmmm..
but i found sunshine in my life..
woohoo..
pm pm pm pm..
i can't help from loving you more and more..
omg omg..
hahahahaa..

lunar 4th.. my birthday..

2008-02-10T16:36:00.000+08:00

sometimes..
being a loner is better..
at least..
i won't get hurt so easily..
and i won't hurt other ppl..
sigh..

Diary 03-02-2008

2008-02-03T13:42:00.000+08:00

oh my..
Woke up kind of late today.. Afraid that what happened yesterday might be a dream.. I didn't know that I have the courage to peck on her face.. and she reply me.. That's the most wonderful thing I had!! I'm so afraid of losing.. I'm still a coward.. Nothing changes this.. I'm don't know which path this relationship leads me.. a route to my happiness.. or just a dead end.. Nobody knows.. That's why I'm afraid.. I don't know.. only time will tell..

^_^

at least this is something good..
a spark of hope in my life..

-amy-

Diary 01-02-2008

2008-02-01T21:25:00.000+08:00

I felt like an abandoned soul.. Everyone is like ignoring me.. Whenever I ask a question, there'll be no replies from other people.. Whenever I talk, nobody seems to heard what I say.. They just continue on do their stuffs.. For these few days, I've chosen not to talk at all.. I realize it's much more better this way.. I won't feel so hurt inside whenever i've been ignore.. But I can't deny that the feeling of being left out is so so so bad.. Sit down quietly and look around, I found out everyone around have their own companion.. except me.. the only one left out by everyone.. Being threat like I'm not there.. Nobody sees my frown and nobody knows the pain I feel inside.. I'm feeling so miserable.. Once again.. I need to suit myself in and be who other people wants me to be.. An invisible soul~